Day of the Dreads

Thomas died three years ago today.

Gappy, Pickle and I and a couple of friends went up our hill to the Dada Lump. It's not as obvious as it once was, but still makes a good seat.

We lit a little fire (Thomas always made a fire) to burn some special things.

We ate (another of his favourite passtimes); even Pickle who is still too poorly to eat much.

 Treasures were hung in hedges and buried in the earth, but my favourite thing was this:

I hung all my splendid dreads, wool and all, in the branches of the hawthorn tree which grows above Thomas's head. He always wanted dreads, so now he has mine.

I don't know how long they'll last; I expect birds will make good use of them for nests.

The wind may take one or two, possibly for miles.

Or they may just dangle about, confusing the fat and happy sheep.

The hundred trees, planted by Thomas's wider community and lovingly tended by his father when he visits Pickle and I, are flourishing. It is a good place, this land which holds the Dada Lump. I am very grateful.

Pickle was tired and cold, so we blew kisses to Primrose and Fey, who also lie up here; put out the fire in the traditional manner (a very quick way to warm one's cockles) and headed for the nearest pizza.

It has been a tough day, but also it has been just right.

From Inside a Hawthorn Tree

Lately I have been living from inside a hawthorn tree. Thorns and spikes holding me fast, drawing blood and fracturing my view while the bread-and-butter leaves have sprung out to sustain me and the heart of the hawthorn has surrounded me as a balm while my human heart has panicked a little. I remember that moment in childbirth when the pain and exhaustion suddenly tipped me over the brink from enjoying being such an amazing animal to fear that this just couldn't work and I and my daughter would die. Grief has such moments too. The pain just goes on and on and much of the time I can recognise it as a sign of the depth of my love and so live with it quite peaceably, barely writhing in its grasp. And then some trigger, often unknown, tips me up and I am so scared I won't be able to carry this for much longer. I panic that if I slip and this pain spills, it may swirl around my girl's ankles and pull itself up the xylem of her veins until it holds her heart as it holds mine. And we will both have no choice but to retreat to the hawthorn tree at the bottom of the garden and wait it out until pain or life let go.

My fear is unfounded. When I tip, nothing spills. This pain is mine alone and cannot harm others. It took a long while to learn that and I doubt it still. My daughter carries her own pain which will evolve with her. I pray it will never feel this heavy because, while she perhaps has lost more than I, she is less aware of how much lighter our lives would be if her gentle Dada was still with us.

She has her own concerns but they mostly involve what I'm cooking for tea (invariably pronounced 'Disgusting', then consumed with gusto) and the contents of her astronaut lunchbox. Lately we have found a couple of baby birds on the pavement, fallen before wings had even begun to form. We carry them to the nearest field, choose some grass or earth to lay them on and a nice leaf to cover them. Pickle knows they will likely be eaten before nightfall, but we like them to be somewhere green and good for a time. Her equanimity around death is shocking for some, but reassuring for me. It happens and it can happen right up close before you are even two; before you have grown even one feather. It is good to know a kind hand will carry you and the people you love to a good place. That feels mythology enough for now.

Here, as proof of the resurrection that is spring, are four (I think) live and squirmy babies who will by now have soft featherdown. The photo isn't great because I used the zoom so I didn't get too close, but you can just see their interwoven bodies.

When I last spoke with you I was eyeball-deep in fayre preparations. It was all worth it (as it always is) and here I am having a lovely birthday selling wares and receiving gifts

and laughing with some excellent friends.

To the left is Suzi Crockford, creatrix extraordinaire at Dartmoor Drums and Rima Staines, muse of many, over at The Hermitage, who took the first fayre photo. This second one was taken from the stall of Virginia Lee. I am blessed to have so many inspirational friends. It was a good day and ended with the fine combination of The Sweet Lowdown and cider.

Many of the talented names of Chagford and its environs have donated work for this Saturday's art auction fundraiser for Proper Job - our essential local re-use and recycle centre. It'll be a good night, with a band and beverages and banter, but I'm quaking at the thought of my work being auctioned alongside the other amazing things on offer. Click the link to see why I'm so worried. I've given this oil painting:

I've also fully set up my online shop for original work, here at Artfinder. There's quite a few new pieces which haven't made it onto this blog yet, plus a lot of prints I've made of Thomas's amazing pencil and ink drawings, so I'll run a series of regular posts with a new work each time. For now, this is Still Falling For You, which I think explains itself:

Pickle and I have been to Tintagel Castle, where she had a brilliant time racing towards cliff edges or leaning perilously over them while I held myself back from holding her back and nearly fainted from the effort and anxiety.

And we have spent more time with my parents, comparing the wide open spaces of Somerset to the moor we are used to.

And all this time, while I am angsting about money and schooling (don't get me started on that) and art and her falling off cliffs or bikes or trees, Pickle is sensibly getting on with the business of growing up. She grows out of her clothes faster than I can say, 'Maybe I did a hot wash by mistake', can get her own breakfast and do most things all by herself (al least until she's tired) and has even started writing/dictating letters to her friends.

Oh, and she has produced her first book - fully illustrated and bound by her own fair hand. It mostly concerns the movements of snails and is the most delightful thing I have ever read. #Proud Mama moment :o).

Three Reasons to be Delighted

I know delight is a slightly old-fashioned concept. We're supposed to be too savvy and emotionally stable for the kind of childish, skipping glee which delight brings. Well, I'm suggesting we all take a little hiatus from mood austerity. Don't panic, you can always get back to it by reading a newspaper.

So, the first reason to skip and clap is your opportunity to spread some smiles. during Happiness Week. I've mentioned Action For Happiness before (and I will again)and you may know that I have committed to devote a week of blogging to the cause, starting from the launch date of April 11th, with a little help from my friends. Here, I'd like to clarify what you can do to be part of this:

I'm collecting stories (true and fictional), images (photographic and fine art) and poems (including small stones) which will bring smiles, warm hearts, ease minds, to post over the course of my Happiness Week on this blog. Obviously these would be credited to you, so they can also function as a promotion of your skills. They do not need to be twee or saccharine. Sometimes a story of a hard time survived is incredibly uplifting, and images of conflict vanquished can inspire us when we most need it. My only criteria are that it is in some way uplifting and I am personally happy to post it as part of my blog. Please contribute whatever you wish, to: lunarsolargaia@gmail.com

 

We feed the birds,

then reap our reward as 

our daughter laughs at them

The second reason to spin and giggle is the imminent publication  (8th March 2011) of 100 Stories for Queensland. This is an innovative charity project which will give 100% of its profits to the Queensland Flood Appeal. And the really terrific thing about it is that it includes one of my stories, 'Cake'. And what's not to like about supporting an important charity and reading about, (amongst 99 other things) cake? Do buy a copy if you can.

 Rainbow Cake

Made by our friend Tash

And the third reason to run kicking your own bottom (I tried it recently for the first time in years and it's still the most fun way to travel) is the most compelling: If you're honest with yourself, you're a good person. You get satisfaction from lending a hand occasionally. Seeing others be open-hearted and brave moves you. I know you're far from perfect, and there's been a time or two when you really, really messed up, but how else would you know what you know now? Basically, spreading a little love makes you feel good. And the beauty of this is, it's true for everyone. You know you want the best for the people you meet. Now the trick is to trust that they want the same for you.  So, when you're next skipping, spinning, or running down the street, give out some smiles and watch for them coming back round to you.

Spring is coming!