Thursday, 27 February 2014

Ink Tree and Chagblood

I sounded so sure yesterday, didn't I? Last night long hours of fear chased me around and through and away from dreams and I find myself wobbling again. Reconstruction would mean so much more recovery and set my eventual hysterectomy back at least six months more than having a simple mastectomy. What, said my frightened mind, if I get ovarian cancer in that six months? What if I died because I didn't want to wait a few years to have foobs? What if my girl lost both her parents before she was five? How could she recover from that, ever?

And I know, I know, now that it is light (ish) and I have had a couple of coffees, that the chances are so very small... but my love is so very big and the fear changes size and shape too fast for me to keep abreast. (But not enough to stop me sneaking wordplay into otherwise serious sentences.) It is a very unmerry-go-round.

Nonetheless, it has created a wonderful thing. When I put the link to yesterday's post on Facebook, my friends started commenting with offers of help and, due to a misremembering of my blood weirdness (I have ITP which means my platelets are low), one even offered me her rhesus negative blood to have on standby while I have my surgery! Which, amazingly, prompted other people to list their blood type in case they could do the same! This has become known as Chagblood - the latest in a long, successful run of community ventures. I am overwhelmed by the generosity of my people and feel the gratitude running through my veins.

Meanwhile, my last few evenings have been spent doing this, which I recommend for stilling the mind.


  1. The unmerry-go-round... I remember a wise teacher of mine saying, "You don't know until you know and then you KNOW" maybe it will be that way for you. Love the tree drawing. Peace.

  2. Beautiful drawing.
    For what it's worth someone close to me had a double mastectomy and elected to wait for reconstruction, thinking that with a young family she would "do it later" and heal faster. Instead, the right moment never came because there was always some reason why not, and now 20+ years later of living with prosthetics and finding appropriate clothing/swimwear, she says she wishes she'd just got on and done it all at the same time. I know your situation is different, with the impact that reconstruction will have on your hysterectomy, but it's just something I thought you might like to ponder on. I'm sure as you read people's stories or other advice a little kernel in you will lean one way and it's a question of following that intuitive knowledge with your heart.
    Sending you lots of love x

  3. Thank you both. Interesting to hear that story, Ju. I can imagine that happening for me. When is it ever going to feel like a good time to have surgery? Thanks for appreciating my little ink tree and for the peace and the love. People, in general, rock my world :o).

  4. It will never feel the right time entirely...but you will know when.
    My friend just had one breast removed, but didn't bother with reconstruction, as she said "I am what I am". Sometimes she uses a prosthesis, depending on the sensibilities of the people she will be with.
    There is so much to consider.
    Meanwhile keep making your beautiful work.
    Blessings Be xx gz

  5. Wow ! Chagblood sounds amazing. What a community. I really hope you can make the best decision for *you* and how you feel about your own body. I know that I would not want a reconstruction personally but I think it's important to feel as happy as you can in your own skin. Big hugs from over here xxx

  6. Obviously I haven't stopped by in a while. Lunar, I wish I had the words to convey how sad I am. Please accept all the love that I have and all the faith that is mine. Keep your pen to paper. Your art is our hope. xoxoxo


  7. I'd say.... go for reconstruction while you are young... there will always be a reason to put it off. But no matter what... Life is better than the alternative. Be well.


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