One good thing

The ticker tape streeling through my mind in various shades of urgency does not stop. I need to just accept that it has not and will not ever stop. Except, of course, it might. But for now, while there's just me and the girls and the meals to prepare and the house and the garden and the study deadlines and the driving lessons and and and and See? Endless streeling which can quickly become strangling if I don't keep snipping at it like it's some enchanted forest of briars with something worth having in the centre. There is nothing in the centre. All this effort to snip off this task and that task, get as much done as I humanly can...if I could magically make it all done; then for one shining, bleak moment I would have nothing. And I've never liked nothing. I've done a lot of workshops but they've never won me round. (It's the hen thing again.)

So I am left with the doing, but a deep need to be doing less frantically and more gracefully. Maybe I could go at my ticker tape thicket with a scimitar instead of shears. Maybe I could stop sometimes and look back at all I have actually done. I get so determinedly focussed on what I have yet to do that I forget I have achieved at all.

I have raised an exceptionally lovely human all the way to nine and a half. Here, she is industriously making granola balls for everyone at the outdoor skills camp the following day, wearing her Dada's T-shirt which has been her nightie for seven and a half of her years. I have just confiscated the maths workbook she was doing in bed by torchlight. Kids these days...

And another wild and wonderful human all the way to three and a half. Here she is on her daily forage for breakfast, still in her onesie :).

I have, through both luck and judgement, come to this spectacular place to raise myself and my children:

So far so loved-up and homely, but what gnaws at my bones is the writing I have not done. And I don't know why, when it's the one thing which brings me OUT into the world with a ferocious courage I can barely believe when I am unwriting. Yes, the time lost feels like time unwriting work which now will never be. It is a tragic loss, if only to myself. Every circumstance I could stutter in mitigation matches that of someone who just wrote anyway.

'Tis as 'tis. No more unwriting. Poems have been coming, which is new and surprising. I have sent some of them out with sturdy boots and knapsacks to see what they can make of themselves. The final year of my degree starts very soon. It mercilessly chomps at my time, but also makes me read good writing deeply and so fills the wordwell. And a tiny but perfectly formed job has been placed in my hands. I keep looking down at it like it's a bird's egg. It feels fragile; it has not yet begun; it may only last a short while. Terri Windling has asked me to be her assistant. We will discover the exact shape of the role as we go, but basically I'll do some of the non-creative work which is intrinsic to the business of writing and editing. I'll learn a lot and get to spend time in the happy company of Terri and the famous Tilly.

Sometimes you just need to achieve one good thing:

In the spirit of which, I have cut my own hair. Again. So here I am looking very pleased with myself despite 3yo quite painfully getting her foot caught in my earring. And, yes, I do know filters exist.

Wedding Poems

It is the anniversary of Thomas's death soon. All words are flown, and with them levity. My friends, I wish I could make possible your desire to be with me; but in this I am alone, even as I feel your love. 

For want of direction, I re-read the poems, written by me, which my good friend Sam read at our wedding. Here they are:

Poem for Thomas

I walk in to your study to tell you I love you.

You have your headphones on and your back to me.

I stand behind you and tell you anyway.

I tell you that you make my days, my life, special;

that I will try, when we have a family,

to be what a family needs me to be.

I will try to be bold when the urge to hide tugs me away.

I will try to remember that your faults are few and insignificant.

It does not matter if the milk does not return to the fridge.

It does not matter if you do not know what I told you this morning.

It does not matter if you never buy a birthday card.

It matters, more than my heart can hold,

the truth of it spilling down my cheeks and neck,

that you love me;

that you stand with me.

As I tell you all this

you nod your head to your private rhythm

because of course you know already.

The urge to kiss you is strong

but I can’t stop watching you,

wondering at you.

I tell you I think you are brilliant.

You nod harder.

I laugh.

You turn and grin.

He and I

The day is old and beautiful.

The music stopped a while ago.

He and I dance in the living room,

Dancing slow for my knees and his heart -

A lifetime of dancing and loving paying its toll.

He and I dance our forgotten dreams,

Lost hopes,

Flown children.

He and I dance as darkness falls on our shared life;

Smiling because it’s been so good

Crying because so little is left to do.

He and I keep dancing,

Keep daring to know all of each other,

Keep dancing towards death,

But all the while dancing together in life.

He and I

Old and beautiful

 Thomas on Our Honeymoon

Self portrait #2, Chagfood, Stones, and Love

At last a new artwork to share with you. Bigger and, as ever, a new approach. My new favourite. I didn't set out to do a self portrait, but as it grew I was telling stories of myself with it, empathising with the different parts and how they met.Right from the start, when I had just drawn the moon, hearts and the first leaves, I regretted the hearts. Too predictable, too naive, too obvious. But that's me. I am frequently not the impressive or stylish or confident one. But I am true and I am loving. Many times I have regretted putting my heart out in the world, but often, as with this piece, when I can see the bigger picture I am so glad I dared and I resolve to go on daring. Because why else?

Self portrait #2

Brush pen on canvas board

10" x 12"

And so to love of an edible kind. We've started getting a veg box from Chagfood and every week it's such a delight to unpack it. The colours, textures, smells, are so good. When we go to the pick-up point, Pickle leans out of her buggy, gesturing for treats. So the produce in the following photos is a few tomatoes and some mange tout short of the full box. (Like me, some days.) It's not a normal veg box scheme. Members buy a share in the produce - a much more stable way for small, organic growers to operate. If you want to know more, have a look at this.

Chagfood Bounty (small box)

Romanesco: Architectural masterpiece

Two-toned turnips

Flat-leaf parsley, red and green basil

Sweet and juicy cherry tomatoes 

Perfect, crunchy carrots just waiting for houmous

Big bowl of salad; Pickle loves eating the flowers

And a bonus bunch of flowers for the table

Naked under the sun

Naked under the sun,
my girl takes me by the hand,
walks me down the lane.
Friends stop to admire her;
she to study them.
A car crawls towards us
and we press back into hedge.
One, four, many wasps.
My friend shouts and darts away.
Stung.
Shouts again.
Now they are pouring out.
I lift my skirt to cover my child
and walk steadily away.
She, delighted,
buzzes in my arms.


Holiday

Lying
hot, hot
on the lawn,
slowly filling canvas,
I am grateful the internet
has taken a holiday.


Wool wash

So concerned
at my family's absence,
I did a wool wash.


Canvas children

I have called more
canvas children in,
to shape and nurture,
set boundaries for
and learn from,
but mostly to watch
as they grow.

And finally, love given liberty. This brought a tear to my eye:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-14271370

Various stones of knickers and music

I've been away at Chagstock (foolishly taking no photos) for a few days of outdoors family jollity. It was Pickle's first festival (although she's an old hand at camping) and she loved the big puppets, the hula hooping, the noise, the lights and best of all was learning to 'Aaaarrr' every time she saw a pirate (which happened a lot as that was the theme). In fact, she got so good at it, and currently has such piratical teeth (few, not black) that a soft-hearted stallholder gave her a pirate flag which she delighted in waving in my face for the rest of the day. I truly love the rhythm of my everyday life, but it's so refreshing to drop routines sometimes. There were challenges (try taking a toddler into a portaloo and preventing them from touching the sides), but my fear that she'd crawl out of our beloved bell tent in the night proved unfounded - of course she just crawled onto my chest.

So, sleep-deprived, sun-kissed and happy, I have for you  a whole clutch of stones to sort through and feel the shapes of. I hope you find one that fits your palm.

That first time

As she staggers -

bump - up -

staggers over the field, 

young buzzards

take tiny loops of -

dip - swoop -

loops of flight from the hedge.

We mothers hover, cheering -

cautioning - congratulating -

cheering them on.

The Band

The band pours all over us.

Pensioners abandon stick-stools

and leap and clap and yell.

Teenagers waiting for a different sound

play cards at the back of the tent.

Babies in ear defenders

slump on shoulders

or sleep in scattered stars

across the trampled grass.


Keep your sunsets
A happy, sleeping child.
You can keep your sunsets;
I could gaze all night.

Knickers and Lego

My husband dreamed he was buying me knickers

but got distracted by free Lego.

Then he awoke in a house with

more Lego than decent knickers.

And at last the sun

And at last the sun

highlights my heart.

And then I remember

And then I remember

I make the rules for myself.

And in breaking them

I am offered new patterns.

In Menstrual Mood and Note to Self

In menstrual mood, I say,
I'm sorry I'm such a dreadful old woman.
You're hardly an old woman,
says my husband.
...
Or dreadful.
Too late.
Way too late.



Note to Self

To make art
is to be an artist.
To write
is to be a writer.
Nothing else,
no external confirmation,
is required.
All the rest
is just paying the bills.

The 21st Century and A Band of Sun

My mornings include
breastfeeding and strength training.
My husband's evenings include
cooking and knitting.
The 21st century
is a good place to be.


A band of sun
trails gold satin across the land.
I lean in
to its Midas kiss.


When he's not cooking or knitting, Ent can be found in our woods, making wonders such as these pixie doors.

Stern Green Man Pixie Door

4.75 " x 2"

And I'm so pleased to have got my blog all dressed up fancy. It may never have happened without much technical help from Rima of The Hermitage fame.  If you haven't yet discovered her blog, do follow the link - you're in for an inspirational treat.

Small Wonders

Some wonders for you today.

The first is me in print. Amen to that! You can now buy Pay Attention: a river of stones from Lulu for £6.99. It contains 320 small stone poems and some prose words by the editors and other stoners. (Really have to get over myself about that word. I'm 32!)

Also, if you want a long list of reasons to be proud of your fellow humans (and, let's face it, that's not always so easy), watch this. 

And an update on my latest art thing (picture? piece? It's not a painting because I'm not using paints):

Pattern One mid-flow

I've got until September to get my exhibition together, which seems a long time, but my art time is limited and I want to create about twenty. Watch this space...

And if you're inspired by any of the above, do send me your contribution to Happiness Week. Thank you.