It is the day. I hate this day. I would redact it from the world if I could, the way I once had to redact you from the electoral roll, as if you had never lived.
It feels like a bomb has exploded inside me and all my hard-won resilience has particulated into the air. It is lost in this shockingly beautiful day, and I am stripped to my devastated core.
I am glad you cannot read this. Much as I am desperate to tell you, I do not want you to know how it really feels to be your widow. I want you to think I am missing you in a wistful, romantic way, taking long walks alone to think of you and fondly wrapping myself in your oversized jumper.
Well, I am wearing your jumper, but the sleeves are annoyingly long. They unroll into the washing up water and I don't have time to keep rolling them up again. I have children to care for! have a house to run! I need to make art and earn and keep finding a way to live without your help and I'm cross with you and your jumper's stupid.
I was always so far from the cheerful pixie bride I imagined would suit you best - some smiley, fey woman who could play the fiddle or at least honestly enjoy you practising. But you chose me. I still don't really understand why and it still feels like the biggest compliment. I was stompy, snarky, a smoker, a meat-eater. I wanted to dance, but only by myself. I wanted to listen to music, but not more of your twiddly folk albums. Somehow you loved my Johnny Rotten T-shirt and my bad cooking, the way I would laugh and laugh at slapstick while you worried someone had got hurt. Somehow you loved me.
This fantasy (my fantasy, not yours) fey bride would now be weeping prettily and looking at photos of you. I want to take the photos down - they make me sad - but Ember wants them up, so they stay. And I'm not crying - not right now. In a minute I will read and eat crisps until the baby wakes, then I will do my best not to be miserable and grumpy with her all day. And all the long night.
Nothing is as good without you, my Captain. I had no idea it would be this hard for this long. I feel the scar tissue on my heart thickening every year, just as it did on yours. I can only hope that, unlike you, I will survive.
More twiddly folk music
I am also angry with grief today, with the way trauma and sorrow have changed me from the girl I once was to this woman I see in the mirror now. Harder and sadder than I ever imagined.
ReplyDeleteTired and pissed off. And loving you. Xxx
Oh my darling, don't you remember? That girl, the wonderful ingenue, she is irretrievably gone. But the woman you are is astonishing in her power, in her ability to love through anything. You have to be hard right now - if you felt everything, how would you do what must be done? It is too much. And we know the sadness stays, but somehow we slowly gentle ourselves around it so it doesn't hurt so sharply and a little time can pass before we remember how very sad we are. There is so much joy to come, my love. There is a whole wonderful life to live with your big family. Your life now is so unreal and limited and frustrating. This too shall pass and the hardness you must now feel will have space, feel safe enough, to soften slowly. There is joy coming, I promise you. So much joy. I am deeply in awe of you.
DeleteThe sadness never goes away, but some days you can live with it better than other days.
ReplyDeleteLove from me coming your way always Luna. xxx
Thank you Jenny
DeleteLove you, you mad bad stompy hurricane of awesomeness. Life hurts, sometimes, and you're allowed to shout at it. We've got you xxx
ReplyDeleteShouting is underrated, I find. Thank you :)
DeleteLunar, your posts have always and still do inspire me. You've inspired me to write, you've inspired me to cry, you've given me permission to be myself when maybe I have forgotten . To the rest of the world it's obvious why he chose you. Xx
ReplyDeleteOh now you've made me cry! Thank you Harry x
DeleteYou move me so much Luna with your unflinching honesty and caustic wit. For real, some days you're my hero.
ReplyDeleteYou and Thomas are often in my thoughts and always in my heart.
Trust me, I am a very flawed hero, but genuinely planning to buy myself a Superwoman (or Wonderwoman?) T-shirt for my brithday.
DeleteAnd for the record, unflinching honesty i the wrong context gets you into a world of trouble ;)
I don't know if love needs reasons. I do know that he loved you a great deal though. He talked a lot about it before that day he traveled from Lampeter to come and see you, and well... you know the rest. I failed to ask him "why do you love her?" though, as he didn't seem to have any doubt whatsoever, so I didn't need any evidence. That said, I think he liked punk/hippy over fey any day though!
ReplyDeleteYes, I remember being a bit baffled when he said smoking suited me :) Thank you for telling me this x He loved you very much too x
DeleteA beautiful post, as always, Lunar, with tears between each word. I love the power with which you write, especially about these deep sorrows. These emotions may be difficult, devastating, but they open us up to feelings that need to be felt, sometimes. Thank you, and much love to you at this sad time. x
ReplyDeleteThank you for all your support Therese. I need to feel that to share this. x
DeleteLunar Hine, I never forgotten the time I stomped out 'jewel in the lotus' with you loudly round a chilled fire, the opposite of expected, and full of playful heart...I've nothing more to add than that I read this and cried a bit with you...and hope to sing a bit with you too soon xxx keep on keeping on, lotus fire xx
ReplyDeleteThank you Wendy. I would love to see you and sing with you. Come!
DeleteSending my love to you. Anything I write doesn't quite reach it.xxx
ReplyDelete'Sending my love to you' - that reaches just where it needs to. Thank you Jess x
DeleteGrief has many faces, a very moving post. I have an autistic son who has lived in care for the last 14 years. Every day is a struggle with fate. Sometimes love is not enough, which is sad.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I have worked with autistic children so have some idea of how hard it is for their families as well as for themselves. Love is not a panacea for the struggles many of us quietly endure...but I am sending you and your son some anyway x
DeleteDear Lunar - We just want you to know that another little bit of Thomas lives on in an unlikely place here in Scotland. My husband is a conservation forest ranger, and after reading all about Thomas here having flown from Rima's blog, some time ago he decided that a very good way to honour this man that he has never met but would have loved to share a pint and music with is to help the children who visit the forest to make elf doors, so that they can peer into the kingdom where Thomas's spirit and imagination still live. Please know that there are little portals in the forest in the West of Scotland that open children's dreams, and that Thomas the Elf has guided them - a very special elf with an upside down heart....Much love, Meredyn & Duncan xx
ReplyDeleteWow! Thank you! I am crying a little bit, but only because you have made me happy. I will tell Ember. What a wonderful thing to do and how magically right for Thomas it is. He would be so happy. Thank you, thank you. Please do stay in touch <3
DeleteYour blog is very nice,Thanks for sharing.
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