There is so much I haven't said.
The seven-week scan with the two blinking heartbeats. Two! The horror in the eyes of friends as they congratulated me. The planning for two of everything. Pickle's pride and excitement at being a big sister to twins.
Then the weeks of rolling nausea and exhaustion which left me barely able to care for Pickle, myself and my two growing beings, and entirely unable to to do any housework or stay awake for an entire day. Pickle has been amazing. I am very grateful for how she accepted and adapted to my less fun state.
The 12-week scan, my first chance to see them properly. But... one heartbeat. Just one now. One healthy and very active baby; one sad forever-bud adrift within me. No heartbeat and no future. We will never know who it would have been if the folds had been crisper or the edges more neatly aligned and the whole wonderful origami of evolution had - Ta dah! - made a baby, a human instead of this tiny cloven-brained frog with no jump. We will never know.
Very, very much (I have pinned my sanity on this), I hope we will know who this other baby will be as it and I bloom together towards birth. Because I am still carrying my little frog, there is a risk of losing both, but I want to spend all the time we have together, 70 more minutes or 70 more years, believing in this life and preparing myself for the full-frontal heart collision that is motherhood again.
It is time for something really spectacular and wonderful to happen to Pickle and I. Twins seemed the miracle which promised us happiness and joy. One baby is miracle enough.
No words, there are none. But I'm crying with you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I share your joy at that one heartbeat.
So sad and glad for you Lunar - and filled with hope for the little one who has lost a sibling but who is pursuing life with vigor -embracing life! Comfort to you in your sadness....
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for your loss. :-( Hugs. I hope truly that your remaining baby continues growing, and thriving, and that in a few months you will have them in your arms.
ReplyDeleteSuch sad news, I hope he rest of your pregnancy goes well. I'll be thinking of you
ReplyDeleteOh, Lunar. So sorry. My thoughts are with you in your grief and joy. x
ReplyDeleteLunar, I'm so sorry to hear this, but I'm so happy for the strong heartbeat that remains. You take care.
ReplyDeleteMuch love.x
Love from me and the Dogstar always. You know where we are if there is anything you need dear one xxx
ReplyDeleteI, too, do not have the words. Sending you the very best of thoughts for that little heartbeat, Pickle and you.
ReplyDeleteSuch sad and exciting news all at once. I had a similar experience a few years ago now, but just with one, and know people find it very difficult to understand the deep well of emotions that go along with this unless they have been through it - and I can't imagine how doubly hard it is for you. I know we don't actually speak much, but please just know that if you do need to chat with someone who understand a little, do message me on Twitter. Sending all the positive vibes in the world xx
ReplyDeleteYou are all so kind. I have no idea how I have surrounded myself with such love and warmth, but I hope I can keep it up and return it wherever it is needed. Thank you, friends.
ReplyDelete