Once upon a time there was a very normal underachiever. As soon as her child was asleep, she'd decide she couldn't be arsed to wash up and instead sit numbing herself with sugar and salt and screen. She talked about writing, but mostly just scribbled notes on newspapers and failed to open old Word docs. In a town swarming with artistic talent, she produced amateur images of flowers and trees, like a schoolchild. Her house had terrible trouble with piles and there were corners unhoovered for so long they had been declared off-limits. She was pathologically single, but leaned on her friends like a poorly-rooted tree in a wood, sharing the strain whether others could take it or not. When she noticed how little she contributed, she would weep and moan and dream about the difficult things that had happened years ago and those which might happen in the future.
And it happened that also there was a woman of remarkable strength and grace and courage. Her widowhood, still serrated and not blunting with time as she'd expected, infused her with a constant sorrow and great surges of pain. Her mum was living under a cancer cloud and the fear of the first, fat drops sat quietly in her, not yet pouncing but never really retreating. Against these griefs and fears, she held out a daring hope for another child - one last before her ovaries were taken away. Already without breasts, it would be a strong sorrow to not give that baby mothers' milk, but she would do all she could to give it life and love. Daily she did her fluctuating best for her child and herself, putting what she could into words and images and dreams for a time when joy was king again.
This coming year, I will try to love both these women equally.
Be kind to yourself Lunar, you have courage and talent in bucket loads. As someone who only knows you through your words and pictures, you show these sides of yourself all the time. I don't know if this helps but...my dad was widowed very early on, my brothers were still a toddler and a baby. He later met and married my mum, and not too long later I came along. In all the long years the loss of Rene has never gone and he grieves every September; we grieve with him and give him the space needed. However sharp the loss it will be tempered by joy and true friends and lovers never see themselves as put upon but as resting posts for you to take a moment with.
ReplyDeleteI wish you and yours every happiness for the coming year. Like you there are un-swept corners and prevarications a plenty ...
It does help, Charlotte, thank you. I can't always imagine feeling any different from the way I have for the last three years, but I have many years ahead to evolve into a different place. x
DeleteUnderachiever? I think not! You've been through enormous pain Luna. You have a rare gift for writing and a wonderful loving mother to Pickle. Happiness will find you again I know it. Jess xx
ReplyDeleteLove yourself...you give so much to others already.
ReplyDeleteblessings Be xx
Thank you, as ever. Sometimes it's hard to believe all the kind words I receive, but that probably means it does me good to hear them :o).
ReplyDelete