Day of the Dreads

Thomas died three years ago today.

Gappy, Pickle and I and a couple of friends went up our hill to the Dada Lump. It's not as obvious as it once was, but still makes a good seat.

We lit a little fire (Thomas always made a fire) to burn some special things.

We ate (another of his favourite passtimes); even Pickle who is still too poorly to eat much.

 Treasures were hung in hedges and buried in the earth, but my favourite thing was this:

I hung all my splendid dreads, wool and all, in the branches of the hawthorn tree which grows above Thomas's head. He always wanted dreads, so now he has mine.

I don't know how long they'll last; I expect birds will make good use of them for nests.

The wind may take one or two, possibly for miles.

Or they may just dangle about, confusing the fat and happy sheep.

The hundred trees, planted by Thomas's wider community and lovingly tended by his father when he visits Pickle and I, are flourishing. It is a good place, this land which holds the Dada Lump. I am very grateful.

Pickle was tired and cold, so we blew kisses to Primrose and Fey, who also lie up here; put out the fire in the traditional manner (a very quick way to warm one's cockles) and headed for the nearest pizza.

It has been a tough day, but also it has been just right.

In spate

Dartmoor has been in spate recently, as have I. Beautiful, holy, filthy, cleansing water has poured from us and we are better for it. We have what we need to grow. Our usual roads have become flooded, or blocked by fallen trees, decades old, which cannot withstand this day. It is sad to see them go, but what can we do but chainsaw them up and get things moving again?

An eerie hailstorm hovered on the horizon when Pickle and I emerged for our morning walk. I faltered, but she would not turn from the wind, opening her mouth wide to be filled with its power. We walked out, she in the moment of  skittish leaves and rolling bins, me with one eye on the new world of colour creeping closer.

Just as we got to the bottom of our hill, home almost within sight, the heavens heaved and crystals of burning cold ice whirled round us, whisking inside sleeves and forcing eyes shut. Even Pickle wanted to be carried, her head under my wing, the sky suddenly less friendly than she can remember. And I, so full of anxiety projected onto this massive cloud a moment before, felt a honeyed relief. The ice had come, it had stung us like a swarm of Narnian bees, but I could shelter my girl and keep walking up the hill. I could get us home safe. I can't tell you how much I want to get us all home safe.

And we have had days of light too. More than we dare expect of such a season. We drove to the centre of the moor for pub grub and, more importantly, this view:

I could stand there all day. A moment before I took this a herd of ponies galloped across the road and swirled in eddies below me, the wind flowing through them from mane to tail.

Standing here reminds me of being in the same spot, feeling the same awe and gratitude for this space, this gluttonous quantity of healthy land, when behind me I heard the rustle of a map and a man say, 'This is definitely the place, but why's it a viewpoint? There's nothing here.' I wonder how often I fail to appreciate unsignposted wonders.

Light has come in other ways too, from our friends locally, far away, and through the big eye of this interweb creature. Those of you who read this post will understand how touched I was to receive this:

It will be treasured. These days will be treasured. I may be scared, but I am awake, and the world is full of love.

Stomping out the fear

My husband, too ill to move, signals for a kiss from his bed.

Our daughter races ahead of me and wins the prize.

Losing never felt so good.


Another small stones month. I'll write one whenever I'm here, but that won't be much. Thomas is leaking energy daily, and with it strength and colour. Pickle is volcanic with energy - many walks a day, ever increasing, and phenomenal rages when thwarted. She feels our fear too, and wisely takes our feet, hers and mine, to stomp it across fields, leave it in little piles under trees, scatter it on the fierce winds which whip round us every night or into the newly thunderous streams. Sometimes she just stops and roars. So do I. Sometimes she just stops and cries. So do I. Sometimes she just wants her mum to carry her. So do I. But I am the mum. That's feeling heavy right now; heavy with responsibility and with privilege and black hole-heavy with love.

Our future is unknown; could hold anything, just like yours. 2012, the Age of Kali Ma, Mayan prophecies, squabbling consultants wielding power they cannot hold, the greatest heart I know struggling to tick-boom like it needs to... whatever. It's cold and wet and windy and muddy and dark outside and we've got some stomping to do.